A Lack Of Hope

I’m frightened as fuck. I may have been playing it cool the past two weeks. I may have been incautiously optimistic and, once again, over confident in my ability to soldier on.

 

I haven’t been sleeping right. I’ve forgone my much required afternoon naps for a near obsessive news binge. “I need to know,” I tell myself. “I need to know everything.”

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Walking Towards Uncertainty

I’m at the point again wherein my mood is way down and the reason is unknown to me. I have my suspicions, but it’s hard to properly discern the culprits as my emotions and thoughts are limited by the medications I’m on. That is, assuming, that the medications are the ones that prevents me from feeling. One reason could be is that I’m, once again, in denial.

 

There is a wall between me and my emotions once again. Be it denial or the medications, I can’t seem to figure out what I’m feeling, aside from being melancholic.

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A Farewell

I’d like to say that’s it’s been a long time coming, but I do still feel the pull of it – music. Making music. Writing my own music. Thing is, thought, I can objectively say that I was never really good at it compared to the two other passions I have (writing and photography.) It’s been a long time coming, but it’s time to finally give up on the dream of being a musician.

 

I’ve lived as a musician enough in previous years. I wasn’t playing festivals or secret shows, nor was I playing huge stages and crowds of upwards of a hundred, but I’ve lived that dream enough. To want more would be selfish, and would make me lose focus on what I aim to do in the present.

 

This is a farewell to a life once lived to the fullest.

 

 

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Trapped Between What Was And What Could Be

I’ve been finding myself retracing my steps from the year prior. It’s an exact step by step retracing of what I did this time last year. I was already in rehab exactly a year ago, fresh out of The Medical City’s Psych Ward. I’ve been, involuntary, mind you, reliving my days there.

 

As I’ve probably stated here once, I’ve been avoiding nostalgia and the general reminiscing of days gone by. I have a tendency to dwell on what was so I’ve started a personal campaign of being in the moment, to focus on what is.

 

I am failing that campaign.

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More Active Imaginations

I’ve been doing Active Imagination on myself. I’ve done four trips into my unconscious, so far. And all were enlightening. The more I do it, the more I learn about the inner workings of my psyche. I do have to exercise caution as there exists the possibility that my psyche would shatter in these journeys. It is unguided, after all. Last thing I’d want to happen is that I’ll be stuck in my thoughts.

 

Here’s what I came up with in those times I did Active Imagination:

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2019. My, my, my what a year you have been

I had decided to forego writing a year ender post as I had considered such to be a novel act on my part; I have been cutting down on novelties and trivialities in recent weeks, and I’ve been avoiding nostalgia which, I’ve come to conclude, is detrimental to my psyche.

 

But alas, here we are with another lengthy post that may or may not have been brought upon by … nostalgia. It’s not a nostalgia of my doing, however. It’s seeing other people’s summarization of their years that prompted me to asses my own year.

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Logical Emotions

I’ve been beholden to my phone for years now. I find myself most times absent-mindedly holding my phone for no reason at all aside from waiting for that next social media fix.

I’d be lying in bed, phone in hand, aimlessly scrolling through trivialities and nonsense and posts that I’d already seen multiple times. I distract myself. That is the objective.

 

I distract myself, oftentimes unconsciously, from the thoughts in my head. These are the same thoughts that I need to face head on. These are the thoughts that must be given my full attention at all times.

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