I should have been feeling good in those three days. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. I was at a gig the night before Wednesday. I was with a friend, the same friend I was with at Route 196 two weeks ago, so I wasn’t feeling as anxious as I would normally feel when I’m around people. I was watching a gig by artists that I’m a fan of. I got to interact to my music crush. I even got a hug after I gave her a pre-birthday gift. I got to hear her music live. I was rightfully buzzed from the alcohol. These factors were supposed to make the following day…good.
I woke up Wednesday and everything felt wrong. Something was terribly amiss. I didn’t know what triggered it. I was droning out from Wednesday until Friday. I was thankful that I didn’t bring that much negativity to my best friend’s pre birthday party Wednesday evening. The alcohol, along with the two swigs of Maker’s Mark from my flask I had on the way to the bar, helped. I was actually pretty decent that night. I was sociable and shit, regardless of the funk I was in. I got home and I was lifeless once again.
Thursday. Same thing. Lifeless. Numb. Couldn’t feel anything.
Friday. Same thing. Except for the distraction that was my stepmom’s insistence that I go to the same best friend’s post birthday party. It was already midnight. I wasn’t feeling like it. Went anyway. The distraction did help. For a while.
After randomly talking to a friend after I sent out an SOS tweet, it hit me why I was in such a mood. The discoveries from the week prior regarding what I blogged about eight years ago was weighing down on me. I looked back on the recent gig I attended and something was also off that night.
Saturday’s gloomy weather came and I felt a lot better. This type of weather usually makes me feel good. Alive.
Anyway, it was that trip down memory lane that messed me up. The unknown decision why I didn’t pursue Music Production in 07 and reliving who I was back then, young and hopeful, messed me up. It just hit me almost a week later because of my bad bad habit of avoiding feeling anything. The thousand what ifs were killing me. Those are merely that now. What ifs. And the defective bricks from past demons may have been used to build the foundations of where I am now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t go down to the basement and strengthen the foundations. I can still fix things.
On a lighter note, I’m going to be featured on an article on music photographers by a local music website. I’m excited. It’s gonna be the first time I’m gonna be featured on anything. I think. The article is gonna be about the favorite photo of music photographers in the Metro, along with the story behind it. I’ll see if I can repost the backstory I wrote here.
Focus on the good, Self. You may be living with darkness, but there’s still good in there.