It came out of nowhere. The darkness. It came out of nowhere. Like a stray bullet fired exactly when the clock hit 12 on New Year’s Eve, it hit me. Head first. And I was unprepared for it. No one told me that it would happen. That it could happen. I thought I was clear of it. I thought I was out of the woods. I was already on the magic happy pills, after all.
I guess the darkness wanted to spend some quality time with me. Like my brain wanted to take a rest from the positivity I’ve been experiencing since November. Aside from the much needed anger release over the holidays, of course.
I’ve been trying to determine what triggered it, how it came to be. I did take my meds. There wasn’t anything that could have brought it back. I wasn’t thinking of anything that I shouldn’t be thinking. I was even excited about going out last night. There was absolutely nothing that would have drag me down into the abyss.
But there I was in my room. Skin crawling. Blood boiling. Mind deaf from all the noise from the voices. I was drowning once again. I was in the darkness once again. And I was frightened as all hell. I was supposed to head out to a friend’s birthday gig. I ended up in my bed, in tears, wondering what the fuck went wrong. I had two phonecalls from two of the most important people in my life, not one uplifted my mood. I had pizza delivered. It helped a bit.
When my brain settled down and inched away from the darkness, I surmised why it happened. It was my brain’s way of telling me to slow down since it’s not used to thinking positive, perhaps. Like my brain got overwhelmed by the medication-corrected serotonin flow and had to temporarily revert back to how it was since my birth. Thirty one years of depression and in one fell swoop, the serotonin flow normalized.
I’ve made sense of it. It’s not a medical assumption, of course. Merely my own assumptions, my own theory on why it happened. And it’s a theory that fits. It’s not to say that I’m alright with what happened. What happened yesterday frightened the fuck out of me. Even now, I’m still frightened. I’m still reeling from it. What I need to do now is to prepare myself for when it happens again. It’s gonna be a tough ride.
And there I was thinking that I miss the darkness. Brain, stop fucking with me. I do miss it, but not that deep a level of the darkness. Not the depths wherein I’d want to blow you away.