Battle Notes

Yesterday…damn it…yesterday.

Felt like I was losing all hope I could ever hold on to. Hope is the only thing that keeps me alive. The hope that I’ll get better. The hope that I’ll be normal. The hope that I’ll be free of the mental illness that has plagued me for most of my life. But yesterday, I felt that hope was missing from the equation.


I did the usual routine to keep me stable: Pizza. Playing my guitar. Taking photos. But none worked.

The new chemicals in my body, the one that’s supposed to keep my mood stable, wasn’t just not working – it was making me worse. It was making my thoughts worse. I was in despair, agony, over the lack of control I had of my mind. Suicide ideation was on overdrive. It took every ounce of my whatever strength I still had in me to hold to myself.

I took an anti-anxiety pill. Didn’t take. I was still in mental agony. It wasn’t just my mental faculties that was affected. My body felt like it weighed a ton. I felt paralyzed.

Hours and hours of torment felt like months, years even, and I resorted to do something I intentionally avoid doing. I took more of my anti-anxiety pills. Three pills of xanax. It worked.

It lifted my mood back up. From a bottomless pit of despair, back to a chemically induced stability. I was ‘alright’ again. Tired, too tired, and drained from the battle with my mind, but I had control of my mental faculties back.

I was shit deep in the ‘error’ part of the trial and error with medications, but I emerged. Not unscathed, with more scars than I could count in one battle, but I emerged victorious.

I knew, God damned I knew, that this path I’m on – the path to recovery and mental stability – is a long and arduous one. It is, at times, a dangerous path. It’s a path that’s fraught with facing demons known and unknown, facing mental and physical limitations.

The end goal, however, is more than worth the undertaking. Normalcy, and mental & emotional stability is worth the anguish and the seemingly never-ending war with mental illness.

I’ll be fine. It may cost me bits and pieces of my life, but I will be fine someday.

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