Trapped Between What Was And What Could Be

I’ve been finding myself retracing my steps from the year prior. It’s an exact step by step retracing of what I did this time last year. I was already in rehab exactly a year ago, fresh out of The Medical City’s Psych Ward. I’ve been, involuntary, mind you, reliving my days there.

 

As I’ve probably stated here once, I’ve been avoiding nostalgia and the general reminiscing of days gone by. I have a tendency to dwell on what was so I’ve started a personal campaign of being in the moment, to focus on what is.

 

I am failing that campaign.

If I were to answer my psychologist Dane’s little questionnaires about my current Depression and Anxiety levels, I reckon I’d be an eight out of ten on Depression, and a nine over ten on Anxiety. Despite the challenges I’ve endured lately, despite the strengthening of my psyche, I do believe that I’m under a depressive state once again. And, if my stuttering is to be based on, my anxiety levels have been high once again.

 

I’m slipping, and I’m not denying that fact. I acknowledge and accept that fact. And faced with that problem, that problem along with the constant nostalgia, I have come to the conclusion that the solution is to have something to do in the now. Something to keep me preoccupied. A project, if you will. At this point, it can be anything.

 

I’ve not been complacent on the solution, as I ordered a book on psychology for me to get lost in. However, books and I don’t really mix well anymore. I often become distracted by my own thoughts when I’m reading a book, despite the subject of said book a personal interest. The book I’m reading now, Visual Intelligence by Amy Herman, should keep me affixed on it. But alas, my thoughts keep wandering and I’m unable to finish it, like all the books that has passed through my hands.

 

I’ve pondered about writing fiction again. It’s another solution, yes. But truth be told, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to start falling in love with writing again, only to have it taken away by my Depression like it has before.

 

Then again, that’s a problem for tomorrow, right? I am only focusing on the now. I am only living in/for the now.

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