I’m at the point again wherein my mood is way down and the reason is unknown to me. I have my suspicions, but it’s hard to properly discern the culprits as my emotions and thoughts are limited by the medications I’m on. That is, assuming, that the medications are the ones that prevents me from feeling. One reason could be is that I’m, once again, in denial.
There is a wall between me and my emotions once again. Be it denial or the medications, I can’t seem to figure out what I’m feeling, aside from being melancholic.
Am I in grief over the acceptance that I’ve walked away from music, this time for good – hopefully? Am I in fear over having a camera again and not knowing what comes next? Both, perhaps?
I did mention to some friends that I feel the need to grieve over the end of my music life, which, to be honest, has become a mere hobby in the months leading up towards the end. I am in grieving mode, perhaps. I’ve never really learned to process grief properly, and what’s happening inside me now could be the manifestations of it.
At the same time, the mood dive could be caused by fear of the unknown. Which, again, I do have a difficult time processing. I recently bought a camera again as I’ve decided to focus on my strengths and what I’m actually good at. Great at, even.
Photography, and to an extent, writing, have always been what I’m best at. It felt a lot more natural to me than music. Not for a lack of trying. And I did feel good, happy, even, when I’m writing and performing my music. There’s a certain bliss when I’m up on stage and singing my songs. But I know deep inside, and this is not some self-deprecation tactic to garner sympathy, that I was merely mediocre. I was able, ultimately. Objectively, and I’d like to believe that I’m objective nowadays, I was just able.
Not that there’s anything wrong with being able, mind you. I suppose I had expectations that weren’t met even by me. Perhaps that’s why I never had the drive to finish recording my songs. Perhaps that’s why I never had the motivation to knock on the doors of production teams so I could play on their gigs. Too many uncertainties, I know. But then again it could be all of the above. I wanted it, but not as much as I believed so.
As for writing and photography, I am afraid at what comes next. I’ve vowed to write here more often and I think I’ve done just that. I’ve also promised myself to be an active contributor in When In Manila, which I’m still technically a part of. I’ve already volunteered for a writing gig for singer-songwriter Ebe Dancel’s upcoming concert. They’re looking for a photographer, too, but I didn’t volunteer for that as my camera has its limitations.
Looking at it now, despite the fears I have on what’s to come, I am still putting myself out there. And that’s what counts. That is what matters. That despite the immeasurable fears I have of the unknown, I still walk forward towards uncertainty.