A Lack Of Hope

I’m frightened as fuck. I may have been playing it cool the past two weeks. I may have been incautiously optimistic and, once again, over confident in my ability to soldier on.

 

I haven’t been sleeping right. I’ve forgone my much required afternoon naps for a near obsessive news binge. “I need to know,” I tell myself. “I need to know everything.”

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Walking Towards Uncertainty

I’m at the point again wherein my mood is way down and the reason is unknown to me. I have my suspicions, but it’s hard to properly discern the culprits as my emotions and thoughts are limited by the medications I’m on. That is, assuming, that the medications are the ones that prevents me from feeling. One reason could be is that I’m, once again, in denial.

 

There is a wall between me and my emotions once again. Be it denial or the medications, I can’t seem to figure out what I’m feeling, aside from being melancholic.

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A Farewell

I’d like to say that’s it’s been a long time coming, but I do still feel the pull of it – music. Making music. Writing my own music. Thing is, thought, I can objectively say that I was never really good at it compared to the two other passions I have (writing and photography.) It’s been a long time coming, but it’s time to finally give up on the dream of being a musician.

 

I’ve lived as a musician enough in previous years. I wasn’t playing festivals or secret shows, nor was I playing huge stages and crowds of upwards of a hundred, but I’ve lived that dream enough. To want more would be selfish, and would make me lose focus on what I aim to do in the present.

 

This is a farewell to a life once lived to the fullest.

 

 

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More Active Imaginations

I’ve been doing Active Imagination on myself. I’ve done four trips into my unconscious, so far. And all were enlightening. The more I do it, the more I learn about the inner workings of my psyche. I do have to exercise caution as there exists the possibility that my psyche would shatter in these journeys. It is unguided, after all. Last thing I’d want to happen is that I’ll be stuck in my thoughts.

 

Here’s what I came up with in those times I did Active Imagination:

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2019. My, my, my what a year you have been

I had decided to forego writing a year ender post as I had considered such to be a novel act on my part; I have been cutting down on novelties and trivialities in recent weeks, and I’ve been avoiding nostalgia which, I’ve come to conclude, is detrimental to my psyche.

 

But alas, here we are with another lengthy post that may or may not have been brought upon by … nostalgia. It’s not a nostalgia of my doing, however. It’s seeing other people’s summarization of their years that prompted me to asses my own year.

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Active Imagination

During my psychologist appointment last week, we delved into my unconscious. I told him of a recurring dream I have:

 

There’s this vast house that I’ve practically memorized already. There’s a wing on the upper floor that fills me with fright. In the dream, every single time I get closer to that wing, I get this sense of fear and dread.

It’s the kind of fear that I get from watching horror movies. Like there’s something evil in that wing.

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Quick Update – 12/19/2019

It’s been an odd two years or so. I haven’t updated this blog as much as I would have wanted to. I’m a writer first and foremost and I consider it a betrayal to my nature to have let this space linger with nigh emptiness.

 

First update – the site address may change to the one with wordpress at the end. My bank’s debit card has foolishly blocked all online transactions so I am not able to renew the domain name.

 

Second update – I am now seeing, in addition to a psychiatrist, a psychologist as well. It’s been fruitful, to say the least. I have recently become almost obsessed with Carl Jung’s concepts and ideas on psychology and psychiatry, and as fate would have it, my psychologist is a Jung fanboy. Synchronicity at play.

 

Third update – I’m still on a cocktail of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. After a month-long love affair with Lamotrigine, I unfortunately had to stop taking it as I was developing bouts of itchiness that I can’t bear any longer. I’m back to Aripiprazole. It’s somewhat ineffective, but it keeps me alive so I’ll have to take it until my psychiatrist and I find a better one.

 

Fourth update – I am still alive, obviously. But suicide ideation has greatly lessened this year. I’ve fortified my mental faculties a great deal, and along with the medications, I’d like to imagine that I’m much better than before. Despite having to drop all things that I once considered as safety nets – nostalgia being one of them.

 

Fifth update – I’ll be regularly updating this space starting today, hopefully. Or, at the very least, starting January. I may have opened up a door into my psyche that I’ve once unconsciously locked for reasons of survival. Words and emotions are starting to trickle in, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t give my unconscious an outlet to exist. I’ve also been feeling that urge to write fiction again.

 

Yeah, that’s about it. See you in the next post!